Giant Fat Balls

I have recently started feeding the small birds in our garden with a combination of giant fat balls and peanuts which has resulted in me now spending the National Debt on bird food and having morbidly obese Blue Tits who need gastric belts fitted!!!???

Blackberry

My husband announced at dinner the other evening that he was considering getting a blueberry!!! I hastened to enquire what he could possibly want with a single blueberry and he replied that obviously he wanted to be able to pick up and send e-mails when he was out of the office from his mobile???

Branded

I have been married to my husband for 20 years. Fairly early on in our married life we spent New Year at the Trefiddian Hotel in Aberdovey with another couple who were, at that time, our closest friends. It was the coldest New Year in living memory and even the sea in North Wales was frozen, which I have never seen before or since. Both my husband and I had started with a particularly nasty flu bug and just wanted to go home and die quietly rather than attend a formal New Years Eve Party.

Dosed up with Day Nurse, I entered our rather bijou en suite in order to get ready for the Dinner Dance. Having stepped out of the bath, I inadvertantly dropped my towel on the floor. Whilst bending down to pick it up, my backside became welded to the heated towel rail. Once I had managed to peel my buttocks off, I checked in the mirror to inspect the damage, only to be greeted by an angry red zebra effect on my posterior.

All in all it has to go down as one of the worst New Years in my life.

Sun In

Tip: Never let your son use Sun In Hair Lightener!!! It turned my eldest ginger (no offence to carrot tops???) Then when he put on hair colour to turn it back to its original colour, it just went a deeper ginger, so I did a Jarhead cut with my hair clippers, but that still left him with a ginger bit on top, so I finally persuaded him to let me cut it all off, but now he looks like an ASBO kid!!!

Savlon

My Mum thinks that the solution to everything is to rub on some Savlon antiseptic cream!!! I'm sure that even if my leg had been chopped off in an horrific accident, my Mum would still recommend a little bit of Savlon???

Apple Shoelaces

When my eldest son was at Junior School we went to Tesco to do our weekly shop. I always let my kids get £1.00 worth of sweets whenever we go to the supermarket. He chose penny sweets. Cola bottles, drumstick lollies and apple shoelaces. After we had paid and were walking out of the shop, my son offered me some apple shoelaces. Always one to embarass my sons at any given opportunity, I decided to stuff an apple shoelace up each nostril and shouted out "Oh my God, I've sneezed!!!" Unfortunately, who should be coming in the opposite direction but "Most Anally Retentive Mum" from my son's school with her son who was my son's sworn enemy. Needless to say, I was the talk of the playground next day!!!

Refreshers

When our boys were still small we went on holiday to Dartmoor in Devon. Having exited the dual carriageway to head down the country lanes to search for our rental cottage, my husband decided to stop at the petrol station in order to fill up and buy some sweets for the last leg of our journey.

He appeared back in the car with a couple of Twix for us and a packet of Refreshers each for the boys, which he duly handed into the back of car. Unfortunately, the lanes to the cottage were very windy. I thought that it was very unusual for the boys to be so quiet. We had not heard "Are we there yet???" for minutes, then were was an almost inaudible bleat from our eldest "I don't feel so good!!!" followed by a "Me neither!!!" from our youngest. My husband immediately stopped the car and we turned round to see what looked like two rabied dogs foaming at the mouth having eaten a whole packet of Refreshers each!!!

Bag in a Mac

When I go out dog walking I like to wear my very fetching bright purple "Mac In A Sac" which my friend (???) and next door neighbour rather unkindly refers to as a "Bag in A Mac"!!!

Aniseed Balls

When I was a young girl, my mum and dad used to take me to stay on a farmhouse at Seathwaite in the Borrowdale Valley in the Lake District. The farmer there kept a pack of trail hounds in his barn. When I asked him what these dogs were for, he explained to me that he laid an aniseed trail over the fells which the hounds then followed???

I decided that what he must do is buy a really big bag of aniseed balls from the village shop and then walk over the fells dropping a sweet every few feet so that the hounds could follow the scent!!!